Alien invasion: Dour Dutch Football

Something funny is going on in the land of clogs, windmills, tulips, liberal drugs-policy and beautiful inventive football. I am not one who believes in alien conspiracies but what’s happening here is odd and even a bit scary: Oranje playing horrible football and then winning is one thing, but the reaction of the national media and pundits is downright surprising if not totally illogical. I know it sounds mad but this reeks of an alien invasion of dour football…

We Dutch like to whine about all kinds of things even if there is nothing to whine about. And let’s be honest here: the football our national pride produces is lifeless, slow, unimaginative and dull: plenty to whine about, right? But apparently the aliens have already taken possession of our national papers. Look at their opinions of the sleeping medicine that was Holland- Japan: “To the next round, without even playing football!” Algemeen Dagblad screams. “Job Done!” celebrates de Telegraaf. The nation’s most whiny paper, de Volkskrant, is conveniently occupied with the some French affair, not even mentioning the Dutch team on the front page.

Our most well known and powerful pundits, Johan Derksen and Hugo Borst normally are both overcritical on anything and everybody but now they are soft as tissue paper. Derksen, former professional footballer turned chief-editor of a football magazine, doesn’t ever agree with anyone on anything but now thinks the Dutch team turning into a bad copy of the most dull and dour German teams who won world cups (teams, we Dutch used to hate and spit at) is perfectly sensible. Borst says it’s about time that we let go of Johan Cruyff’s ideas about attacking football, telling us that those days have passed. It wouldn’t surprise me if the aliens had abducted Cruyff because he has been mysteriously quiet, what is a complete reversal of his normal ways. Former Dutch great Willem van Hanegem, Cruyff adept and now pundit, was very critical on Saturday, telling us that he was so disgusted he refused to watch the end of the Japan game. This apparently displeased the alien leadership causing them to somehow torture poor Willem, because in his Monday column he wrote: “Oranje is a team now and has a 90 % chance to reach the final,” and he also thinks we are better than Brazil. Pretty scary no?

The Dutch team has already changed in mysterious ways since Bert van Marwijk took over in 2008. First there was the qualifying group which was just too easy. Scotland and Norway as strongest opposition? That never used to happen to us. Even stranger is the mood in the Dutch team, no infighting and everybody seems to get along. What’s this? Even Wesley Sneijder and Robin van Persie who were ready to chop each other into bits at Euro 2008, now seem possessed in some way and are almost holding hands. And just look at the games Holland played this World Cup, three very lucky goals scored and 0 (zero!) goals against. This is the complete opposite of everything that’s normal.

I don’t know what the alien’s demands are or where they come from but I suspect former bondscoaches Dick Advocaat and Leo Beenhakker are part of the alien propaganda machine because they are telling everyone who wants to listen: “It’s all fantastic; it’s all going to be all right.” Trust me, this isn’t Dutch and isn’t all right at all. In normal times we should be panicking and tearing this Dutch team to shreds but not now we have to be happy to be winning, and we have to learn from the past. But what’s wrong with a small country playing the most beautiful footy, losing in excruciating ways and winning only the sympathy prize? This is what the world knows us for; this is why the world likes us. But in the new age of realistic and dour football, apparently only results count.

I don’t know if I can agree with all this… although if (and this is a big if) somehow Holland will become world champion paying dour football, I can’t guarantee I will not celebrate a little…oh wait, does this mean they have gotten to me too?